October 19th was my godfathers birthday who passed away. I was very sad and emotional about that. It was also the day me and my boyfriend where going to get married before he cheated on me left me and declared that he no longer wanted a commitment. It was a very sad day for me. I also hurt my neck really bad. I was sleeping and my neck cracked twice and the one side has been painful and sore. I could barely move it for two days. I can move it now but it still is really sore and irritated. Sunday night I talked to my boyfriend after I tried calling him tons of times. He told me he was in a conference for people who gout out of prison ad where reentering society, I found out later from someone on facebook that he was actually at home and drunk after going to a party and he told a girl that he was single and looking for Mrs. Right. Monday is when I hurt my neck and I wasn’t going to call him but decided to because I felt like I really needed him. I just wanted him to be there for me. He never answered and never called me back so later I talked to him online and he did ask me how my neck was and I said I love you and he said I love you too which he usually says I wuv you so I was surprised he actually wrote it out for once. But, after everything on Tuesday I was still in so much pain I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. But, I was still hoping he would call and care enough to see how I was doing but he never did. I decided I would wait a week to call him because if he really wants to he can and will call me. It’s been three days of no contact and it’s so hard. I really want to call him or text him or something but I know it is no use because if I call him he won’t answer anyway most likely. I was thinking about why all this is happening. I thought why does he say this stuff to my face that he loves me and he even called me his fiance again the other night and asked me to never leave him alone. Then he goes on facebook and acts like he is single and doesn’t call me or anything. I wonder if I was just friends with benefits to him and he wants to be single but he also wants to keep me around because I’m always there for him when he needs me and if I find someone else then I won’t be at his beck and call all the time. Then today the lady I babysit for said almost the same thing that it sounds like I’m just a friend to him and he is not putting in the effort it takes to have a relationship with someone besides friendship. Then I talked to another lady about it and she said almost the same thing that I should just consider myself single. I don’t want to break up with him but I realize he might not love me the same way I love him and I do need to keep my options open. Also I have to say that someone said to me that I just write negative posts all the time and no matter what advice they give me I never change and am just going through the same things again and again and that this person could no longer support me. But, the way this person said it was really harsh and cruel. I understand people might get tired of me complaining or going through the same things Eve my mom said she was tired of hearing it at times but she still listens and supports me. You don’t have to agree with me and I so appreciate experience, strength, and hope but I don’t appreciate advice that is cruel or from people that don’t understand. I always offer support to people and try not to judge them for there choices. Even when I don’t always agree but I realize people have there own lives to live and we all have to learn from our own experiences. We all have to be directed by our higher power or whatever we believe in. So it is not fair to judge people just because they don’t take your advice.
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I saw the movie inception last night. I have to say it really made me think about things. There are a lot of religions that say life is basically a dream. Or that our thoughts create our reality by what we think and put out there in the universe which is why we should think positive. I am not always the best at thinking positive. Sometimes I have felt like my life was a dream or maybe I was just hoping that my life was a dream and I would wake up from it or die or both. I thought it was an interesting movie it reminded me sort of the matrix and shutter island. My mom mentioned the cell to me last night and I said yes it reminds me of that movie too. I was going to go to the baby’s birthday party today but didn’t. I was just too tired from being out last night because I didn’t get home till midnight and then couldn’t fall asleep. I woke up with a headache that I got last night and had it for most of the day today but it’s gone now. I talked to two christian science practitioners. The other night I was reading a bible lesson and was just soaking it up. I felt in a way like my soul was thirsting for it. I needed some positive words and some good spiritual ideas to think about. I called the practitioners today and they had some good insight that I think will help me. I told them about everything that has been going on these past few months. In the past treatment has worked for me. But, it makes me sad that I feel like I can’t pray for myself. Like my prayers are not strong enough. I prayed for my grandma and she got worse not better. If she hadn’t sought medical treatment she probably would have died. There was lots of fear involved and still is. She has a test tomorrow to see if the cancer has spread and how much the surgery actually took out. I didn’t talk to my boyfriend for almost a week. I tried calling him a few times but made a deal with my friend to wait at least 24 hours before calling again. It worked well but makes me sad he did not make more effort to call me and get in touch with me. He did come over Monday night and we had a good time. He seemed more attentive to me and said that being with me felt right. I thought that sounded promising. Tonight he finally called me after I called him a few times and sent him a text message. I don’t want my relationship to just be in texts and writing I want to hear his voice and see him too. I do want him to be more attentive to me. He called me his fiance which I admit took me aback since he told me he did not want to get married anymore. I said “so I’m your fiance? Because I didn’t think I was anymore.” he said yes you are but I don’t know what I am. So I don’t know if that’s a good sign or what to make of it. But, I am not going to discuss marriage anymore with him because he said he didn’t want to marry me. So I don’t want to take this to heart.
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I’ve lost faith a few times in my life. The last time was when my grandma got an infection and if the infection was not treated she would have died. At the time I was studying Christian Science which I have nothing against and still love. But, I felt like all my prayers where just being said in vain. All the time I spent praying in the end it did me no good it did my grandma no good. Things just seemed to get worse not better. It really made me lose hope and my faith that my prayers where just a waste of time. What happened to my grandma really shook me up and not in a good way. I lost faith and started feeling really depressed again and sad. Only know am I coming back to faith and spirituality. It feels good because I did feel like I was missing something. I feel like my spirituality is supposed to give me some sense of control over my life and I know I can not control everything. Some things are supposed to happen even if I don’t want them to. sometimes things are just meant to be a certain way. I do believe in karma. But, it would be nice to think I have some control over my life too. I’m trying to get back to praying. But, it is so hard when I felt like my prayers went unanswered but I’ve had other prayers answered before so I know they are not all in vain. When our house was in foreclosure the first time I prayed and we still have the house although now it is in foreclosure again. I prayed for my boyfriend back and I got that three times. So prayers do get answered in there own ways and in there own time. After everything that happened with my boyfriend I just felt so jaded and like I couldn’t pray to a masculine figure or spirit. I felt kind of jaded by all men. I know there are some good men out there but not many anymore. Especially guys that are young. I was thinking about this the other day that I want to get married and have a family. when my mom dies which I hope is not for a long time but she does have lots of health issues and has had some serious health scares in the past. A few years ago she went into heart failure. It just made me realize that life is short and she and my grandma won’t be around forever. I don’t want to be alone when this happens. I honestly don’t think I’m strong enough to handle this. I am not strong enough now to be alone and then I really won’t be. So I’ve thought if my mom is not around and I’m alone I probably would kill myself. Unless I feel like there is a purpose for me to be around. My cats might save me but I don’t know if my love for them is strong enough. Because they can’t take care of me like another human being could. My aunt found out I was dating my boyfriend again from one of her friends who I had on my facebook. I ended up taking her off. I like her and I think she is a nice person and I realize facebook is a public domain but at the same time I did not feel like she should have told my aunt that me and my boyfriend where back together. If I wanted my aunt to know then I would have told her myself. There was a reason why I did not tell my aunt these things. Because she was then saying how I can have a relationship with him but I can’t marry him. Not that we are getting married now anyway. He made it clear to me that he did not want to and was not ready for marriage. I told him before I respect and understand that decision but at the same time I’m not happy about it. So when she said that it just added salt to my wound. She knows nothing of my personal life except what I tell her and what this person or my mom tells her or grandma. But, I feel like my business is no one’s to tell except for me. She then said that I was too young and immature with no experience in life and that’s why I was not ready to get married. I admit age wise yes I am young in ways yes I don’t have life experience but everyone that knows me knows that I am mature for my age. I am not like most people my age are. I want to settle down and build a life for myself. Why does society or anyone else say you have to date 100 people to settle down. It also makes me feel like she is being hypocritical because she might be married but at the same time they don’t have a loving relationship. They don’t hold hands, kiss, or sleep in the same bed. They might not get divorced because of religious reasons but at the same time that is sad to be in a marriage that has no love. It might be stable but they have had lots of ups and downs. They are not happy. So she really has no right to tell me how to live my life. If she had a happy marriage where they showed love then I would say she has a point.
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I haven’t written in a few days. It’s been hectic and sometimes I feel like my life is in a whirl wind. At the moment I do anyway. I went out yesterday with my aunt and some of her friends for her birthday. It went well. I was feeling really sick again from my allergies but I’m still glad I got out of the house. We went antique shopping not very interesting but I did find a piece of jewelry that is really pretty. They used to sell at Nordstrom for lots of money and I only got it for 15. so that was a really good deal. I’ll take a picture of it later. The day before I got kittens. I am not keeping them though. They are cute but they get into everything and make a big mess. My uncle took them to the animal shelter and said if the shelter did not take the kittens he was going to drown them. I don’t think he actually would he was probably I’m sure just saying that. But, my aunt got them back. But, they can not go back to her house of course now. She does not even want my uncle to know she has them right now. But, that’s why my allergies are killing me. I wrote up the contract for my boyfriend. If I ever see him for him to sign it. It’s not really something I want to do over the phone. He never did come over and since then we tried to get together another time and he never came over. Then last night which really pissed me off. I told him I had the kittens and he said well I’m not coming over I can’t. I was like why because of the cats he said because of that and other reasons. I found myself thinking about our relationship. How when he was in prison he asked me if we could get married while he was in prison and I said I wanted to but would rather wait till he got out and came home. Then he got home and introduced me to his family and everything and said he wanted to get married as soon as possible so we set a date then all of a sudden he changes his mind and I’m no longer on his top priority list anymore. I am not breaking up with him because I don’t want to do that but I am not going to call him or contact him for a few days. Last night he got really mad at me when I was saying how if he was not really going to come over then just tell me now he said no then. But, I pressed the issue and he said he would but never did. I tried to get a hold of him later but never could. It makes me sad and frustrated when I feel like I’m the only one calling and trying to make this relationship work. It’s exhausting. I know he thinks it’s my fault because I create drama and stress myself out and he does not like me confronting him but I wouldn’t if he would just be up front with me and let me know what was going on and be honest with me.
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